When Kenshin Turns Battousai When Kenshin Series
by Imalefty
Summary: This story is supposed to be funny, but it's not. If you want to laugh your butt off, go somewhere else! Okay, the next story is called When Kenshin Rules Japan.... R & R please! Thanks! Oh wait, you didn't review yet!
1. the first chapter

When Kenshin Turns Evil  
  
:: words :: is Kenshin thinking (talking to Battousai). (Words ) is Battousai thinking (talking to Kenshin). A/N: When Kenshin and Battousai fight, Battousai is in Kenshin's mind... it's kind of complicated, but USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS!  
  
Kenshin walked down the street in Tokyo. It was a nice warm day, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.  
  
"Kenshin!" Kaoru's voice reached Kenshin's ears. He turned and accidentally bumped into a large man.  
  
"Watch where you're goin', shrimp!" the man yelled angrily. "Or I'll cut you up with my katana and have you on my plate for dinner!" Kenshin glared at the man's back.  
  
:: I stopped the Bakumatsu from continuing longer than necessary! :: Kenshin thought angrily. :: I was Battousai the Manslayer! ::  
  
(But you always have to keep me locked inside your mind!) The Battousai inside Kenshin said to him inwardly. Kenshin shook him away.  
  
:: I am no longer Battousai the Manslayer! :: Kenshin thought. He headed for Kaoru.  
  
"Kenshin? Why do you have that weird look on your face? Is something wrong?" Kaoru asked. Kenshin sighed and smiled.  
  
"No, Kaoru-dono. I'll be fine, that I will!" Kenshin said.  
  
"Are you sure? Well, okay! Let's get back to the dojo," Kaoru said. "Where you can resume doing the laundry."  
  
(You see?) Battousai shrieked inside Kenshin's head. (You're forced to do laundry! I'm much stronger than you, even with your Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki! I, too, know the attack! I could beat you easily! ) :: Please, be quiet now. :: Kenshin sighed. It was almost no use. He knew that what Battousai was saying was halfway right. He kneeled down to do the laundry when Battousai attacked him with a stream of words.  
  
(You're such a loser! You're not even a Kenshin anymore! You're Shinta! SHINTA! You don't deserve the name Battousai the Manslayer. I can't stand you! Let me take over! LET ME TAKE OVER! )  
  
:: Never! :: Kenshin attempted a protest, but Battousai was already drawing his mental sword.  
  
(Give up, Shinta!) Battousai yelled. Kenshin shook his head and dropped the white clothes into the basin. Battousai attacked his thoughts, driving him over the edge.  
  
"ARRRGH!" Kenshin yelled. Kaoru and Yahiko came running.  
  
"Kenshin?" they both cried. Kenshin drew his sword. Kaoru and Yahiko stared.  
  
:: You will not come out of me, that you won't! :: Kenshin thought. Battousai smirked and they fought each other.  
  
"Kenshin?" Kaoru asked. "What are you doing?" She watched as Kenshin ran forward with his sword in hand and stopped, fighting against the air. Then, he jumped back, clutching his arm and gasping.  
  
"Charades!" Yahiko cheered. He grinned. "Okay... uh... you when you were fighting Saito!" Kenshin didn't reply, just tossed his head as though it were punched and fell to the floor.  
  
"Kenshin!" Kaoru yelled at him.  
  
"Okay, then... if it's not that then it must be Sano when you kicked his butt!" Yahiko laughed. Kenshin just continued to get beat up by nothing. It was a very odd sight.  
  
(You will never defeat me!) Battousai said. He slashed Kenshin's chest. (Give me control over your body and I will let you live!) Kenshin was panting by now.  
  
:: If I do, you must promise not to hurt Kaoru-dono! :: Kenshin said. :: If you do that, you will lose control of my body, is that clear? ::  
  
(Crystal!) Battousai smiled devilishly and sheathed his sword. Then, he created a mental cage and locked Kenshin in it, putting the key in his mental pocket. Then, he went into the outside world.  
  
Kaoru and Yahiko ran over to the fallen Kenshin.  
  
"Kenshin!" Kaoru yelled. She kneeled down next to his body and shook him.  
  
"Huh?" Kenshin's eyes fluttered open. "Kaoru?" Kaoru drew in a breath sharply. She was used to him using "dono" at the end of her name.  
  
"Kenshin? What happened?" Kaoru asked, a worried look on her face. Kenshin laughed.  
  
"Something great!" Kenshin cackled. He sheathed his sword. "Hey, what am I wearing?! Pink! Gosh, I've got terrible taste! I think I'll get a blue one. Dark blue. And do you think that you guys could call me 'Himura-san' from now on?" Kenshin turned to Kaoru. His eyes flashed an angry shade of amber. She gasped and backed away.  
  
"Kenshin? Er, I mean Himura-san!" Yahiko drew his shinai and jumped in front of Kaoru.  
  
"Kenshin?!" Yahiko yelled, getting ready to attack. Kenshin drew his sword and flipped the blade.  
  
"I'll kill you now if you want, brat!" Kenshin said. Yahiko gasped and dropped his shinai. Kenshin smirked.  
  
"Himura-san," Kaoru gulped. "Are you also known as the..." she gulped again. "Hitokiri Battousai?" Kenshin nodded and grinned.  
  
"Yup. That's my name. Don't wear it out. Now go make me dinner!" Himura laughed, polishing his sword with the tattered pink gi. "I think I'll go change and then go out to kill people!"  
  
"Yes, Himura-san!" Kaoru gulped for the last time and scurried off toward the kitchen. Yahiko scrambled forward to get his shinai and dashed off toward the kitchen after Kaoru. When he arrived, he saw Kaoru chopping onions.  
  
"Kaoru?" Yahiko stepped into the kitchen. He walked over to her.  
  
"I don't think Himura-san will like my cooking," Kaoru sniffed. Her eyes were watering.  
  
"Let's sneak out and find someone who can tell us what's going on!" Yahiko whispered.  
  
"But Megumi's in the middle of an operation! She warned us about it yesterday!" Kaoru said. Yahiko frowned. Then, an idea lightbulb flashed above his head.  
  
"We can go around asking people randomly! I'm sure that someone will be willing to make a good meal for us!" Yahiko grinned. Kaoru sighed and laid down the knife. She nodded.  
  
"Okay. Let's go," Kaoru slipped into her sandals and they hurried out the back door so that Himura wouldn't see them.  
  
On the street, they met Sano.  
  
"Where're you guys goin'? Sano asked, pulling them aside.  
  
"Can you cook well?" Kaoru asked. Sano shook his head.  
  
"Why do you think I go to the Akabeko all he time? Why do you think I endure your terrible-" he stopped and smacked a hand over his mouth. "Oops." Kaoru gave him a glare.  
  
"I get it. Well, something is seriously wrong with Kenshin, and we need your help," Kaoru said. "He is acting like the Battousai!" Sano stared.  
  
"Well, I'm no match for Battousai," Sano said. "But I do know someone who is!"  
  
"No!" Yahiko said. "You're not thinking of Saito are you?" Sano gave the kid a look and nodded.  
  
"He can hold Kenshin off while we find someone to make dinner!" Sano explained his plan. Kaoru sighed and nodded.  
  
"You're right!" Kaoru said. "We have to talk to him." She turned on her heel and walked toward the police station.  
  
"What are you bakas doing here?" Saito asked angrily, glaring at Kaoru, Yahiko, and Sano over three tall stacks of papers. Kaoru felt an anger cross appear on her head and her reflection in the window behind Saito was a bright red color, but she forced herself to calm down.  
  
"Uh... Saito...erm...-SAN, we could really use your...well...ASSISTANCE...uh...PLEASE," Kaoru choked. It was truly a struggle for her to say this. Saito stood and walked over to her. She gulped.  
  
"Help? You want me to help you?" Saito asked. Sano ran between her and the wolf.  
  
"Just help us, ahou!" Sano said. "Kenshin has allowed the Battousai to take over! You've got to help us!" Saito closed his eyes and sighed. Yes, he sighed as though he was resigning to something terrible.  
  
"I don't have any plans on fighting Battousai anymore," Saito said, returning to his seat and taking a single paper from one of the three stacks.  
  
"SAY WHAT?!" Sano yelled. He Futae-no-kiwamied the desk and it exploded into sawdust. Saito sighed again.  
  
"My poor desk," Saito groaned. He stood up and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket. Then, he blotted his eyes and headed for the door. Everyone except Saito sweatdropped.  
  
"HEY!" Yahiko said, running in front of Saito. "We're not kidding! Kenshin really IS Battousai now!" Yahiko clenched his fists. "And we do need your help! He demands dinner otherwise he'll kill us, and we need you to hold him off while we find dinner!"  
  
"Fine," Saito said. "But don't think I'm going to fight him. He was supposed to be out of my life! Enishi was the last time I was supposed to see the red headed dweeb!"  
  
"Thank you!" Kaoru said. She smiled. "He should be at the dojo!" Saito turned to her.  
  
"Go to my house and tell Tokio to make dinner for Kenshin," Saito said, sighing (again). "Go on!" Kaoru nodded her head until her eyes went swirly and then ran out with Sano and Yahiko behind her.  
  
A/N: Tell me how it is. I don't think it's great so far, but I'll update if you people tell me to. If you don't, well... 


	2. the chapter after the first chapter whic...

A/N: Okay, I'm back because people told me to. Right...  
  
Kenshin...I mean... Himura-san sat, grumbling in a corner of the dojo, anxiously awaiting his dinner.  
  
"Where could they be?" Himura-san exclaimed. "I hope the Shinsengumi didn't get them!"  
  
:: It's the Meiji era now, dimwit!:: Kenshin shouted from his mental cage.  
  
(Just shut up, Shinta. I don't need you.) Himura-san retorted. (But if it's the Meiji era, then does this mean that... the Shinsengumi are defeated?!)  
  
:: Yes, you good for nothing. :: Kenshin snapped in a very not Kenshin manner. ::You can't get anything straight! I think I should be in charge! Hurry up and hurt Miss Kaoru!::  
  
(You want me to bash your mental skull in?!) Himura-san snarled at Kenshin.  
  
:: ORO?!:: Kenshin asked in a very Kenshin-like way.  
  
(You sound so stupid when you do that, numskull. Where did you ever learn that? I don't eve remember that and I am you!) Himura-san glared Kenshin's way.  
  
:: Actually...:: Kenshin said, thoughtfully. And then he went into a terrible flashback that the readers will hate, but I don't really care because it will enhance the story....  
  
---Flashback to right after the Bakumatsu-  
  
Kenshin had just dumped his blue gi into the river and watched it go downstream when he realized that he didn't own another gi. Grumbling, he sat down under a tree to think about all of his wrongdoing and all of that nonsense when an older samurai walked over to him.  
  
"Can I help you, kind sir?" Kenshin asked. The samurai studied him and glanced over to his sakabatou.  
  
"This one is a rurouni. One with no destination. This one wants to know what you have been through," the old samurai said. He took off his sword and sat down.  
  
"I was a manslayer and I feel bad now, so now I'm going to become a... peace maker dude," Kenshin replied to the man.  
  
"Sessha sees... you would make a good rurouni, that you would," the old man said. "This one thinks all you need is a little... rurouni-ing." The man unwrapped a package and pulled out a tattered pink-----  
  
KENSHIN: Magenta...!  
  
----Er... magenta (!) gi. Kenshin took it and put it on.  
  
"Now all you need is the secret rurouni language. When you want to speak of yourself, say 'sessha' or 'this one'. When to address others, call them -dono or -san. Give them respect. And at the end of most of your sentences, try to put: 'De gozaru' or 'that it is, that I am, that you should, etc.' got it? Oh and also when you are surprised, say 'ORO!'," the old man hid his snigger with a cough.  
  
"I understand, sir," Kenshin said. "I mean, this one understands, sir!"  
  
"That's my boy! Now put that gi on and become a wanderer!" the man grinned.  
  
"You mean rurouni?"  
  
"Yes, they are... the same thing. Now go and explore the world, good son!" the samurai laughed. Kenshin gave a goofy grin and stood up, wearing the gi.  
  
"This one is ready," Kenshin said. "Uh... Goodbye, sir! And thank you!"  
  
"What a doofus!" the samurai sniggered after Kenshin had disappeared from his sight. "I can't believe he believed me! Whew... rurouni! Ha! Not even a real word! ORO! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Of course, our poor Kenshin doesn't know this ever happened and he is still an oro-ing rurouni.  
  
---End flashback---  
  
::And that is why I say what I say,:: Kenshin concluded. ::Because of the wise one's words that were spoken to this one!:: Himura-san sweatdropped.  
  
(You're a strange one,) Himura-san muttered. Then, Saito came into the dojo.  
  
"Battousai?" he called in. Himura-san looked up.  
  
"Shinsengumi!" he yelled.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
A/N: So? How was it? Good? Not good? Let me know! I've been busy, so I haven't had the time to write more, then post. My other stories are all already finished, I just have to post them! It's easier!  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES  
  
Sailor-Earth13: Thank you so much!  
  
Oro-chan no tenshi: Not what I meant. I meant that the event wreaked havoc in his life... I'm sorry if I called battousai an "it" anywhere else, I didn't mean to... ^_^  
  
Misha: Good! You're not lost! When I first thought of this, I thought people would be confused, so I didn't write it, but I tried! Thank you!  
  
Penguin27: Thanks for your review!  
  
Neko_Katakura: Thanks! I am continuing! I will continue to continue, but it might take a while, so bare with me! 


	3. Fake Mustaches and other nonsense!

And so Himura-san leapt up from the step that he was sitting on and drew his sword with lightning fast speed. Then, the attacked Saito with a Ryu- something-or-other. I don't know what it was because he was so fast when he did it, that I didn't catch it. But I did see Saito run for cover near a dumpster.  
  
"Come out, Shinsengumi! Don't hide! We still have to finish our duel!" Himura-san shouted. Saito cowered in fear behind the dumpster. Himura-san yelled while Saito cowered. Himura-san yelled. Saito cowered. Himura-san yelled. Saito cowered. Himura-san yelled. Saito cowered. Himura-san yelled. Saito cowered. And I do believe you have the picture.  
  
-Meanwhile...-  
  
Kaoru, Sano, and Yahiko walked over to Saito's house. (How they know where his house is is way out of my comprehension.) They knocked on the door and it was answered by Tokio, Saito's wife. Of course, none of them knew this.  
  
"Can I help you?" Tokio asked. Sano started to talk.  
  
"No, actually I don't see why we asked help from that idiotic Saito anyway!" he said, looking at Kaoru. A lightbulb appeared above her head and she realized who was standing in front of them. She smacked her face hard and fell over backwards. Yahiko sweatdropped. Then, he randomly pulled out a remote control and pressed the "mute" button.  
  
"He doesn't really think Saito is... idiotic!" Yahiko grinned sheepishly at Tokio, a sweatdrop still suspended on his cheek. He swatted at it. Of course, it wouldn't go away because it is supposed to show his emotions kind of. He smacked it hard.  
  
"OUCH!" Yahiko yelped. He grabbed the fat part of the sweatdrop and attempted to rip it off of his face. It did come off, but with his face as well. He turned his blank head to Sano, who attempted to scream and was unable to because of the mute. He stood there, a horrified look on his face, his mouth WIDE open. Yahiko sweatdropped again, but since his face was no longer there, the sweatdrop fell off and stuck to the floor.  
  
"Are you two okay?" Tokio asked. Yahiko nodded his head and turned back to Sano, who appeared to still be screaming. He pulled out the remote control and pushed the mute button again.  
  
"AHHHHHH...!" Sano yelled. Yahiko sniggered with his detached face. He pressed the mute button again.  
  
"AHHHH!_______HHHHHHH!_________HHHHHH___...!" Sano screamed as Yahiko pressed the button again and again and again.  
  
"Ha ha ha ha!" Yahiko laughed and pulled a bottle of paste out of his pocket. Then, he glued his face back on his head. Tokio gave them a very disturbed look and slammed the door. Kaoru jumped up.  
  
"Miss...uhhhh..." Kaoru sweatdropped. "She's gone."  
  
"Yeah," Yahiko said, glue dripping from his hairline and from his nose. Kaoru gave him a look and stared at the still-screaming Sano. The sweatdrop that had fallen on the floor jumped up and flew to Sano's head. It stuck there, making him look really stupid.  
  
"Sano? HEEEEEELLLOOOOO! SANOOOO!" Kaoru yelled in his face.  
  
"Hee hee," Yahiko giggled. He held up the remote control. Kaoru sighed and smacked her face again, falling on the floor with a big BANG!  
  
-Meanwhile-  
  
Saito was still cowering behind a dumpster, whimpering like a puppy when he happened to stick his hand into his pocket. He pulled a piece of paper and read it. It was the instructions from Tokio on what to do if he ever got into a fight with an arch enemy. It read: Scratch your butt and lock yourself in a mental cage. Saito gave a dazed look, then started feverishly scratching his butt and trying to lock himself in a mental cage.  
  
Himura-san aka Battousai started yelling again.  
  
"SHINENGUMI! GET OUT HERE!" Battousai cried. There was no answer. Then, Saito walked to from behind the dumpster, sword in hand.  
  
"Goro Fujita is gone," Saito smirked. "The wolf is back."  
  
-Back to Kaoru, Yahiko, and Sano-  
  
There was a knock at the door. Tokio walked over and opened it, revealing a VERY tall person- about 13 feet tall with a long overcoat on. There was the face of a child resting on the neck of the person, but the child had a mustache.  
  
"Can I help you?" Tokio asked. The boy/man/person who was very tall cleared his throat.  
  
"Yes, you can. I was wondering if you could make me dinner," the head said.  
  
"That was stupid, you idiot!" a woman's voice came from the stomach. The head looked down to the area where the voice came from and shouted:  
  
"Could you have done any different, UGLY?!"  
  
"You guys! Stop! Let's try to convince, her, not freak her out, okay?" the groin area commanded. "Gosh, you guys are heavy!"  
  
"Shut up, roosterhead!" the head yelled to the groin. "Let's walk away." He turned to Tokio. "Thank you." The head turned to the left, the feet to the right, and the body twisted in an odd way.  
  
"OUCH!" a woman's voice yelled from the stomach. A lump appeared at around the side area and then disappeared. At around the same time as the lump disappeared, a voice yelled:  
  
"ITAI! That hurt, missy! Go and kick me like that!"  
  
"Kaoru! Sano! Let's all go to the right!" the head commanded.  
  
"Okay," the man's voice at the bottom said. "On the count of three, one, two, three!" The head and body turned to the right, but the feet went to the left. The head wobbled and with a loud scream, disappeared in the large collar of the jacket.  
  
"Other right, dummy!" the woman's voice yelled.  
  
"Sorry," the man's voice said. The head appeared above the collar again and sweatdropped.  
  
"NOO!" the head yelled. He shook his head vigorously to get rid of the sweatdrop. The sweatdrop wouldn't go away, but the mustache fell off and flew way with the wind. "My fake mustache!" the head yelled. "Hurry, Sano! Run to your left! To the LEFT!" The legs turned to the left and began to run, the head slowly tilting backwards along with the body. Then, the body fell off altogether along with the head and the legs continued to run, the coat trailing on the floor behind them.  
  
"Ow..." Kaoru moaned, rubbing her head. "SANO! COME BACK!" Yahiko was wrestling with the sweatdrop on the floor, and Sano finally turned around and ran back. Since the coat was over his head, he couldn't see where he was going and crashed into the wall next to te two fallen body parts.  
  
"Okay..." Tokio said, hiding a smile and a confused look. Then, she slammed the door.  
  
WILL SANO, KAORU, AND YAHIKO EVER GET DINNER? WHY DOES SCRATCHING HIS BUTT HELP SAITO BRING MIBU'S WOLF OUT OF HIM? FIND OUT THESE ANSWERS AND MORE IF I EVER CONTINUE!!!!!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED (I think) A/N: Now should I continue continuing? Or not? Let me know!  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES:  
  
PianZoe: Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad that you think that my story is funny. I think that this chapter was funnier, but I'll let you tell me what you think. Anyway, thanks, and I continued continuing.  
  
Sailor-Earth13: Thanks for the review. Here's another acknowledgment. Sure, flashbacks are fun. This one didn't have any, though. I'm keeping going until no one tells me to.  
  
Oro-chan no tenshi: Sure. Thanks for the review. Well, Battousai still isn't an 'it'. He's a...uh... mental dude that likes taking over Kenshin's body when he has the time. Right, anyway, I hope you liked the chapter! 


	4. Hmmm I'm not sure what to call this one ...

-Let me out!- Goro yelled from his mental cage. He started to cry. Saito stared at him with an evil expression.  
  
/What are you talking about?/ Saito asked, still giving the evil look. /You're such a crybaby!/ Goro just sobbed even more.  
  
"SHINSENGUMI!" Battousai yelled at Saito. He attacked with a very-fast-not- slow-Ryu-something-or-other attack. Saito attacked with his Gatotsu. They met in the middle, clanging their swords together.  
  
"STOP CALLING ME SHINSENGUMI!" Saito shouted at Battousai. Battousai snorted, then coughed because he wasn't good at it.  
  
"So? You are the Shinsengumi to me!" Battousai laughed and snorted again. "But I want to make it quick. I need dinner! Where is that Kaoru woman?"  
  
"She's getting the dinner!" Saito replied. "Now let's finish our duel!" They attacked.  
  
-Back with Yahiko, Sano, and Kaoru-  
  
"That was brilliant!" Kaoru growled sarcastically. Sano gave her a sheepish look.  
  
"What? That wasn't my idea entirely!" Sano exclaimed. Yahiko looked skeptical.  
  
"Who else helped you, then?" Yahiko asked, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Mr. Duckie!" Sano grinned like a kid in a candy store and held up a rubber duck. "He said that he had a brilliant idea and... GASP! Mr. Duckie! How could you lie to me? It wasn't a brilliant idea, Mr. Duckie! I was betrayed!" Yahiko sweatdropped.  
  
"OH NO! IT'S AN EVIL BLUE THING-A-DING!" Yahiko yelled sadly. He swatted it, but missed and smacked his head instead. Then, he stood up and started running around, trying to get it off his face. Kaoru sighed.  
  
"Am I the only NORMAL one here?" Kaoru wondered aloud. She sighed.  
  
"No," Sano said. His fist was right over the duck's head, right about to smash it in. "You're the weirdest one! You married KENSHIN!"  
  
Kaoru said, "That doesn't make me weird! Kenshin's a very wonderful guy! Anyone would give their front teeth to marry him!" (Random fangirls run over and nod their heads vigorously, then run off to find Kenshin.)  
  
"Fine," Sano sniffed. "Anyway, I have to finish knocking the rubber out of Mr. Duckie!" His fist clenched tight... and...  
  
-Back with Battousai and Saito-  
  
:: Please, take my body to where Sano and the others are! HURRY!:: Kenshin yelled out of his mental cage.  
  
(Why?) Battousai questioned, still in a stance so that he coud attack Saito at will.  
  
:: Because Mr. Duckie is going to be killed!:: Kenshin cried. Battousai sighed.  
  
(Fine, but afterwards, I get to fight the Miburo!) Battousai snapped.  
  
-Sano, Kaoru and Yahiko-  
  
... Sano's fist came down in slow motion. .....  
  
"DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEE, MMMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.DDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!! !!" Sano yelled. (A/N: Basically, he said: Die, Mr. Duckie.) Battousai ran in and felt his fingers close around the cute yellow duck, and since this is slow motion, but Battousai is REALLY fast, he danced around before finishing the scene by running down the road and stopping. Sano's fist hit the ground, making a giant hole.  
  
"YEOWCH!" Sano yelled clutching his aching fist. "I didn't know that Mr. Duckie was so hard! Oh, that was the ground." He peered into the hole and saw something interesting.  
  
"What is it?" Yahiko asked, the sweatdrop having faded away. Sano bent over, an amused look on his face.  
  
"Is it buried treasure?" Kaoru asked hopefully. Sano shook his head.  
  
"Nope! It's..." Sano started.  
  
"Yes?" Yahiko, Kaoru and Battousai asked.  
  
"It's..." Sano said.  
  
"Yes?" Yahiko, Kaoru and Battousai asked.  
  
"It's..." Sano said.  
  
"Yes?" Yahiko, Kaoru and Battousai asked.  
  
"It's..." Sano said.  
  
"Yes?" Yahiko, Kaoru and Battousai asked.  
  
"It's..." Sano said.  
  
"Yes?" Yahiko, Kaoru and Battousai asked.  
  
"It's..." Sano said.  
  
"Yes?" Yahiko, Kaoru and Battousai asked.  
  
"It's..." Sano said.  
  
"Yes?" Yahiko, Kaoru and Battousai asked.  
  
"It's..." Sano said.  
  
"Yes?" Yahiko, Kaoru and Battousai asked.  
  
"It's..." Sano said.  
  
"GET ON WITH IT, ROOSTER HEAD!" Battousai shouted angrily. Sano took a deep breath.  
  
"China!" Sano squealed with glee. Everyone sweatdropped, including Saito, who had appeared from nowhere. Even I sweatdropped. (A/N: Did you sweatdrop too? Tell me if you review!)  
  
"Don't you think that we'd see America or something if we're already so close to China?" Saito asked. Sano grinned.  
  
"Maybe my hole was really lopsided, so I can see China!" Sano grinned. Saito sighed as did Battousai. Yahiko was trying to wrench the newly formed sweatdrop off of his face and Kaoru was staring, heart-eyed at Battousai. Battousai looked over at her and blushed. Yes, Battousai BLUSHED. Then, Kaoru took off the heart-shaped sunglasses and cleaned the lenses. Battousai scowled. DARN! Anyway, back to the whole China issue.  
  
"Ahou, that isn't China!" Saito yelled. "It's the ground with lots of little cracks in it!"  
  
"So? China is ground with lots of little cracks in it!" Sano protested. Saito sighed and shook his head.  
  
"Let's fight, Shinsengumi!" Battousai yelled.  
  
"Okee-dokee, Ishin-Shishi!" Saito grinned evilly. Just then, Goro Fujita's mental cage broke and he shoved Saito out of the way.  
  
"What happened?" Goro wondered. "All I remember is scratching my butt..." Sano, Kaoru and Yahiko all sniggered at that one.  
  
/You idiot!/ Saito yelled from his mental cage. /You had to go say that! It's too bad that I smiled and let you out.../  
  
-Hey, me?- Goro asked. Saito grumbled a 'yes?' -Why does scratching my butt make you come out?-  
  
/Because Tokio said so./ Saito said. /And I like getting my butt scratched./  
  
"I WANT DINNER!" Battousai yelled his war cry and attacked Goro. With a yelp, Goro scratched his butt and ran toward the mental cage. The final battle had begun.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED, I BELIEVE...  
  
A/N: I know, not funny, but I was experiencing a time of... not funniness. Oh well. Anyway, review away. You know you want to...  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES:  
  
PianZoe: Thank you. Okay, this should be done soon. As soon as  
Battousai turns back into Kenshin and they get dinner and Saito and  
Battousai fight and so on... (AND as soon as Yahiko gets over his fear  
of sweatdrops...) Anyway, thanks!  
  
SAILOR-MOON-FAN1: Thanks for reviewing. I don't think anyone will get killed, though you never know. Hee hee, I might do something bad to them... the world could explode... or even something... BETTER. Mua ha ha ha...  
  
Oro-chan no Tenshi : Kenshin face! I like it! I don't think it got any better this chappie, but you never know. Maybe you thought it was funny. Oh well... 


	5. What ever happened to everyone?

Saito burst out of his mental cage, immediately taking over his body. Battousai ran at him, screaming at the top of his lungs.  
  
"I WANT MY DINNER!" Battousai yelled. "BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY!"  
  
"WHY ARE YOU HUNGRY?" Saito yelled back, attacking with his Gatotsu.  
  
"BECAUSE MY TUMMY IS MAKING A FUNNY RUMBLING NOISE THAT MEANS THAT I'M HUNGRY!" Battousai screamed. Their swords clashed.  
  
"Maybe we'd better hurry and get dinner," Kaoru whispered to Yahiko, who still had a sweatdrop clinging to his face.  
  
"How do I get this thing off?" Yahiko asked, pointing to the sweatdrop. Kaoru shrugged.  
  
"I dunno," Kaoru said. "But I'm going to knock at Tokio's door........." She walked away.  
  
"Hey, sweatdrop," Yahiko said to the sweatdrop. "I'll pay you a dollar if you get off of my face." The sweatdrop scratched its.........uh......... top, and then replied with a 'no'. How Yahiko understood that is something that I don't know.  
  
"What about five dollars?" Yahiko asked. The sweatdrop looked at him with a skeptical look that seemed to say: 'You gotta be kidding. You can't pay me off of you!' Yahiko sighed.  
  
"What about one hundred dollars? I'll give you one hundred dollars if you get off of me," the sweatdrop thought for a moment, then nodded (a/n: Can sweatdrops nod? I wonder.........). Yahiko sighed. Unfortunately, he didn't HAVE one hundred dollars.  
  
"Hey, Sano?" Yahiko asked. Rooster head turned around.  
  
"Yup?"  
  
"Can I borrow one hundred dollars?" Yahiko asked.  
  
"Sure, buddy!" Sano said. He dug into his pocket, but found nothing because Sano's broke. "Whoops, don't have any. Sorry, pal, but you can go over there to the Akabeko and get the money from Tae. Just put it on my tab." He turned his head to watch the battle. Yahiko grinned.  
  
"Okay! Thanks, Sano!" he ran off toward the Akabeko, hoping to get one hundred dollars. Sano stared at the two whizzing fighters. They were going so fast that not even he could see them.  
  
"GIVE ME MY DINNER!" Battousai yelled.  
  
"I DON'T HAVE YOUR DINNER, MORON!" Saito shouted. Battousai snorted, then coughed again because he wasn't good at it. Then, the meaning of the words fully sank into his mind and he stopped short.  
  
"You don't?" Battousai asked. "Oh, well, then there's no real reason to fight anymore. Even throughout the Bakumatsu, I was only fighting you because I thought you stole my dinner. Oh well. I really didn't mean to attack you, I'm terribly sorry." He stopped and sheathed his sword.  
  
"Ahou," Saito said. He also sheathed his sword. Battousai grinned.  
  
"So then I've got to find the real person who took my dinner," Battousai muttered. Then, Kaoru came out of Tokio's house holding a bento box.  
  
"Himura-san!" Kaoru yelled. Battousai looked at her, then spotted the bento box in her hands.  
  
"YOU STOLE MY DINNER!" Battousai cried. He unsheathed his sword and attacked with a Ryu-something-or-other right at Kaoru. She screamed and dropped the bento box, running around in circles trying to get away from Battousai. He chucked his sheath at her head and she got hit, falling over.  
  
:: Gasp! :: Kenshin gasped from his mental cage. :: You hurt Kaoru-dono! You have to give up control of my body as said in the first part of the story! :: Battousai picked up the bento box and walked into the mental cage where Kenshin shut him up tight.  
  
(Yummy,) Battousai mumbled. (Dinner.) Kenshin sweatdropped, then popped into the real world.  
  
"Kaoru-dono!" Kenshin yelled. He ran over to her, but tripped over her leg and fell on the floor.  
  
"OUCH!" Kaoru yelled. "You big jerk!" She smacked him hard. Kenshin's eyes bugged out, and he oro-ed. Kaoru gasped, then grinned. "Kenshin!" She grabbed him and squeezed him hard. He turned blue, coughing and oro-ing.  
  
"Hn........." Saito muttered. "It looks like all is back to normal. I'll be going home now." He walked off toward his house and disappeared inside it. Sano shrugged and walked toward the dojo, Kenshin oro-ed again, Kaoru continued to squeeze the life out of our poor rurouni, Yahiko never got one hundred dollars, so he lived the rest of his life with a blue sweatdrop on his cheek, Goro Fujita came back out and the wolf returned to his mental cage, and Tokio forever wondered who the heck that really tall man with the fake mustache was. And you might think that that's the end.........  
  
BUT............................................................  
  
Soujirou walked down the road, a sakabatou on his hip. He sat down under a tree to contemplate the truths in life when an old samurai walked up to him.  
  
"Hello, my laddie!" the samurai greeted the boy. "I see you are a samurai!"  
  
"No, no more," Soujirou replied, giving a smile. "I'm a mere.........uh......... rurouni now." The samurai sat down and looked the boy over.  
  
"Rurouni, eh? Well, you don't have ANY makings of a rurouni yet. Here," the man gave Soujirou a pink......... er MAGENTA gi.  
  
"What's this for?" Soujirou asked. The gi was torn and tattered.  
  
"If you want to look like a rurouni, wear this. If you want to sound like a rurouni, say "that it is, that it isn't that I am etc." at the end of each sentence, address yourself as "this one" and say "oro" when you're surprised or hurt or stuff like that. OKAY?" the old samurai said.  
  
"OKAY!" Soujirou grinned. He quickly changed into the MAGENTA gi. "Uh......... this one will make a great rurouni......... uh......... that I will!" The samurai smiled.  
  
"Great! Now go start a life!" he punched the air.  
  
"OKAY!" Soujirou laughed. He ran off, practicing his "oros," "this ones," and "that it is, that you shoulds etc."  
  
And the only problem was the crazed Tenken in a mental cage in the back of Soujirou's mind yelling and screaming to be let out.  
  
======= the end =======  
  
A/N: I shortened it, okay? I just had to end it, but I will do another one that will be in this same story. I think it'll be called: "When Kenshin rules the world" or something like that. Anyway, thanks for all of you kind reviewers who reviewed my story!  
  
REVIEW RESPONSE:  
  
Sailor-Earth13: Exactly! Sorry it was so confusing. I was experiencing some difficulties with my brain. Hope you liked my story! I'll be updating it again soon, but I'll be starting a new story. Thanks for reviewing! 


	6. NEXT STORY: When Kenshin Rules Japan

When Kenshin Rules Japan  
  
A/N: I know, this has nothing to do with When Kenshin Turns Battousai, but I'm making a "When Kenshin" series, okay? Get it now? Good. Oh, and I don't own RK. But I think you knew that.  
  
It all started on a cold rainy day. Kenshin was rushing to get the clothes from the outside to the inside so that they wouldn't get any more wet than they already were. Kaoru had just finished cooking lunch and was setting it on the table so the Kenshingumi could eat it.  
  
"You guys! Lunch time!" Kaoru yelled.  
  
"Who made it?" Yahiko hollered back. He was training in the dojo.  
  
"I did!" Kaoru shouted back. Sano sniggered, then butted into the conversation.  
  
"Well we're not eating it, then!" Sano laughed. He ran out into the cold rain and toward the Akabeko.  
  
"Me neither!" Yahiko replied, rushing out the door after Sano. Kaoru fumed. You could almost see the steam coming from her ears.  
  
"Kaoru-dono, I brought the clothes in......... and... they're... dry?" Kenshin stopped talking seeing the evil lust in Kaoru's eye.  
  
"Thet were PICKING on me!" Kaoru screamed. Then, she smiled. "But I know you'll eat my food right, Kenshin?" Kenshin stared at her.  
  
"Oro?" he muttered.  
  
"RIGHT KENSHIN?!!!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!?!?!???!" Kaoru's eye twitched and she held up a bokken as a threat.  
  
"ORO?!" Kenshin yelped. "Right!" Then, he sat down and started inhaling the food on the table. Kaoru gave a satisfied grin and sat down as well.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Later, Yahiko and Sano returned to a sleeping household. They crept into their rooms and went to sleep. But Kenshin was up in his room, feeling sick to his stomach.  
  
"Why did I eat so much of that terrible food?" Kenshin wondered, clutching his stomach. "Do I deserve this? WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME, OH MIGHTY KAMI?" Kenshin bellowed, then realized that he'd wake up everyone if he were to yell anymore. So he decided to take a walk.  
  
Outside, the roads were still damp from the rain, the air still crisp and cold. Kenshin sat down on a rock by the river, trying not to throw up.  
  
"I hate this. Why did I eat that food? Why can't I be the ruler of something?" Kenshin groaned. Kaoru's food made him feel very not Kenshin- like. Suddenly, there was a bright light in front of Kenshin's eyes and a very tiny speck of light emerged from the glow.  
  
"You think you'd like to rule the world?" the little speck said.  
  
"Yes, I do," Kenshin said. "Wait, what are you?"  
  
"I'm a %)@)*#)*)#%^^@^&$$&@!^^%, but that's hard to pronounce, so call me the Little Speck," the little speck said. Kenshin frowned, then grinned.  
  
"Okay, Little Speck. What do I do?" Kenshin asked. He wanted to rule the world so badly right now.  
  
"You have to bathe in this river when the water turns orange," the Little Speck said.  
  
"But water is blue," Kenshin said. The Little Speck frowned (Kenshin couldn't see this because the Little Speck is........ well......... little, but he could tell somehow.).  
  
"So? Believe me, the water'll turn orange. Bathe in it and then go to sleep. Then, everyone will know you as ruler of the world," the Little Speck said. "When I think that you've enjoyed your position enough, I'll come and take it away, then you'll be back as Kenshin and no one will remember but you. Got it?" Kenshin nodded, then watched as the Little Speck disappeared.  
  
Kenshin opened his eyes. The sun was just rising. He looked at the river and saw that the water was range from the sunlight. He dived in with all of his clothes in, allowing the chilly water to soak into his clothes. Then, he crawled out onto the shore and fell asleep.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"Ken-sama!" a voice yelled. Kenshin rolled over onto his stomach. He was cold. Really really cold.  
  
"Ken-sama!" another voice cried out.  
  
"Everyone's been looking for you, Ken-sama! We thought that you had been hurt!" somebody else yelled.  
  
"What happened last night?" Kenshin wondered. Then, he remembered the Little Speck. Did it work? Kenshin stood up.  
  
"I'm fine," Kenshin said. He looked at the crowd gathered around him. "What?"  
  
"You're supposed to be at the Palace, Ken-sama!" a woman said.  
  
"Palace?" Kenshin asked. The crowd hurried him along to where the dojo HAD been. In its place was an enormous palace.  
  
"Ken-sama!" Kaoru yelled, running out of the palace. "I was so worried!" Kenshin looked at her. She had on a gray gi and a black hakama. Her hair was tied in a bun and her hands were covered with soap.  
  
"What have you been doing, Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked. Kaoru gasped.  
  
"There is no need to address me that way, Ken-sama," Kaoru said, blushing. "I am only your humble servant, and I have been washing the dishes for you." Kenshin grinned.  
  
"Oh, I see," he said. "I'll go start on the laundry and then we can-" Kenshin started, but Kaoru stopped him.  
  
"Excuse me, Ken-sama, but you really don't have to. I am the one who will do everything for you, except for cook. Megumi-san will do that," Kaoru said. Kenshin nodded. Then, Yahiko came out holding a broom.  
  
"Ken-sama!" Yahiko yelled. "Welcome home!" He continued to sweep the floors. Kenshin smiled and headed into the sparkling palace where he found his room and walked inside. Then, he closed the door and locked it.  
  
"It worked! I wasn't dreaming! WOW!" Kenshin squealed with glee. He glanced out the window and looked down. His room was on the second floor and he could see almost all of Tokyo from it. Suddenly, he was hit by a very mischievous, not good, very bad, not Kenshin-like idea. He would get revenge on all of his sworn enemies like......... Shishio, the Juppongatana, Saito, Jin-e, Raijuta, Enishi, and everyone who had ever gotten on his nerves (other than Yahiko, Sano, Kaoru, Megumi and the rest of the Kenshingumi.). Oh this would be fun..........................................  
  
A/N: Okay so this was kind of not funny, but it will be when Kenshin gets revenge on everyone. Who goes first from the list of people (Everyone will get a turn, I just need to know who to start with......)? Review and tell me and I will post the next chapter soon. The first one with......... three votes will go first. (If I don't get three votes, I'll post whoever I want to MUA HA HA HA!)  
  
REVIEW RESPONSE:  
  
Tusuami: This is kind of a sequel. I'm posting it in the same story though so maybe not. Yeah, everyone needs a mental cage for their mental, crazy friend, so get one! Believe me, it helps. ^^ Thanks for the review! 


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